I bet he comes in French.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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