rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize