i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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