If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
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And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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