Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
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I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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