mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
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you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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