I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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