I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
So vagazzling was a success
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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