you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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