I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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