You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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