I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
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I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
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Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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