Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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