Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
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