and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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