So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
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I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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