My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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