He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
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Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize