i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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