I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
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Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
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we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
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