If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
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Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
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Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize