thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
