spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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