you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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