i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
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How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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