Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
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i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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