Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
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She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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