I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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