I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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