I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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