Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
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I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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