mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
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Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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