Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
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i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
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I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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