She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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