i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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