I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
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Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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