So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
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Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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