my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
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Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
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I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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