i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize