life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
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i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
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I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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