the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
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we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
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I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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