Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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