Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize