she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize