I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
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I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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