I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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