god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
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Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
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When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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