I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
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This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
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If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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