Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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