How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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